|We wish to open this history with the disclaimer that the
phenomena of bearded babies is not to be confused with the condition
of hypertrichosis or hursutism.
Bearded babies do not pose a medical mystery at all- some babies
are simply born with beards. We accept this as natural, but
the history of the bearded baby has not been so forgiving.
babies have been part of human life since the moment we evolved
from monkeys. During the dawn of humanity, most people had
an excess of body hair, so babies with beards were accepted
and nurtured. As humans lost their primordial hair, and only
adults bore magnificent facial plumage, a vast majority of
babies were born nearly hairless. We speculate that in these
early years of human development, the birth of a baby with
a beard would likely have been a celebrated, mystical event.
As the Stone Age waned, and the Bronze Age waxed, the superstitious
and idol-worshipping primitives came to fear bearded babies.
During this time (the true Dark Ages) bearded babies were
often left in the woods or hurled off cliffs. Even after the
advent of Christianity, countless bearded babies (or "beardlings")
were stacked up like firewood and set ablaze, usually as fuel
In the mid-1600s, a secret orphanage was established in the
foothills of the Swiss Alps. Over the next 200 years, this
safe-haven for bearded babies became home to scores of discarded
children from across Europe, and was the inspiration for the
classic tale "Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs." Few records of the orphanage
exist, but it is said that the Brothers Grimm themselves once
visited the bearded baby haven.
The outset of the industrial age was another dark period
in the history of bearded babies. Many were sent to work under
dangerous conditions, such as mercury-dredging
facilities, lead smeltering plants, coal mines, and arsenic-brewing
factories. These young workers grew up in shame and secrecy.
Many clever toddlers shaved their beards with rocks so that
begging for bread would be easier, but most went undernourished
and died alone. Our organization has filed for restitution
with the U.N., and is seeking over one hundred million dollars
in recompense to the surviving descendants of this black time.
atrocities against bearded babies was not limited to exploitation
at the hands of greedy industrialists. Some abandoned beardlings
were purchased by circus or carnival owners to be put on public
display. One such baby is rumoured to have become JoJo
the Dog-Faced Boy.
At the turn of the 20th century, shaving technology had advanced
to a level where most parents of bearded babies would rather
shave their children daily than callously leave them at the
doorstep of the nearest church. While the stigma of a bearded
child was still considered a terrible burden to bear, the
attitude of parents towards their offspring was becoming more
During WWI, a clandestine government program allowed the
harvesting of baby beards to make field blankets for horses.
Vast nurseries of beardlings were established, and weekly
shearings created necessary battlefield equipment for the
war effort. The practice was quickly shut down just before
the end of the war for mysterious reasons. A similar operation
during WWII also vanished without a trace. Our educated guess
is that programs had been discovered by pro-beardling journalists.
The 1950s saw further advancements in shaving
technology, as well as epilating procedures that allowed
many bearded babies to live normal, healthy lives. Some members
of the Beatnik subculture actually allowed their beardlings
to walk the streets with a small goatee - something very progressive
for the time, and virtually unheard of for the rest of the
20th century. The 1960s, while considered a period of "love,"
saw as many abandoned beardlings as the earlier half of the
century. It was thought that bearded babies were born as a
result of drug-use by the parents.
With the economic boom of the 1980s, parents of bearded babies
had more leisure time on their hands. Ample spare time is
what lead to tentative communications between parents of beardlings
and their peers, and ultimately the formation of ad-hoc pro-beardling
organizations. As the salad days of the 80s gave way to the
leaps in communication technology in the 90s, the Information
Superhighway allowed these informal collectives to band together
in ways never before possible.
Now, in this first century of the new millenium, we proudly usher all beardlings into the light of a new era. Let
the love flow as freely as the facial hair of our offspring, and
let us begin the first bright chapter in the history of humanity!