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  Warcraft’s Big Dirty Secret  
Posted 2005-06-17 by Tony Walsh
Warcraft’s Big Dirty Secret
This typical wagon wheel is taller than a man, while its axle and planks are wider than a man's chest.
Massively-multiplayer game World of Warcraft (WoW) has a fantastic visual style, rendered in epic brush-strokes. Everything in WoW is heroic-looking, from barrel-chested humanoids to towering fortresses. Suspiciously heroic-looking. Every prop and set in the fantasy environment is about twice as big as it should be, and that's even considering the range in size of WoW's Tolkienesque player races. Pictorial evidence, and my startling conclusion follows.

Preposterous post.
This dock-post [right] is as thick as a large tree and wrapped in rope as thick as a man's waist. What mighty titan wove such rope, let alone plunged a tree-trunk deep into the sand? Perhaps more importantly, one must wonder what giant would stoop so low as to make docks for men.

Titanic textures.
Even textures in WoW are overscaled--bricks are the size of sheep, and the planks pictured here [left] are about 2 meters (6') wide. That's one hell of a tree. The nails or pegs used to fasten the planks are wider than a man's head. Imagine the size of the tools used to cut and fasten those planks. Who or what could wield such tools?

Behemothic bucket.
The picture to the right shows what is supposed to be a metal bucket--in actuality, it would serve better as a cauldron or bathtub, since it could easily fit an entire man. In the shops of armoursmiths, it's common to find helmets on display that are actually several times larger than your character's head. City architects have designed railings at (human) head-height, not waist- or chest-height as would be more sensible. Simple burlap sacks are deep enough to hide several sheep. It is no small coincidence that cyclopes--the one-eyed giants of legend--were voracious sheep-eaters.

After playing WoW for several months and considering the overwhelming evidence, I have come to the only sensible conclusion possible: Warcraft's world was originally inhabited by giants, who were enslaved by colonialists and forced to create temples, cities, villages, and even humble (but still oversized) donkey-carts. Performing these chores was so embarassing to these titans that they died of humiliation, leaving only a few survivors. These survivors--such as Ogres and Sea Giants--are regularly hunted down and killed by WoW players. To these players, I ask: When will the persecution stop?
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Comment posted by Gamma Fodder
June 18, 2005 @ 2:26 pm
Heh. Good post d00d. Now that you mention it, what would be the purpose of having a mop that is taller than a human, or three times bigger than a gnome?

"What is that?"

"This is a pint Pippin."

"They have pints?!?"
Comment posted by Titus
June 20, 2005 @ 3:52 pm
What level are you now, anyway?
Comment posted by Tony Walsh
June 20, 2005 @ 3:59 pm
48 rogue. I haven't played much in the last 4-6 weeks. Still enjoying it, though.
Comment posted by Titus
June 20, 2005 @ 7:31 pm
I can't quite remember the zone's exact level range, but it sounds like you'll be hitting the Plaguelands very soon. I'll be very interested in hearing what your take is on the game after a month or so of that and BRD.

I don't think I lasted more than a week once I got to that point. Then again, battlegrounds weren't out back then, and I really loathe repetitive, time-consuming endgame content.
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